Day 22: I dread everything these days

After a fantastic day of fieldwork yesterday, today I wake up with a sense of absolute dread and sheer terror. How the hell am I supposed to get through this in one piece? I have three weeks to turn something resembling a finished product to DA, and I'm nowhere near that point. And, my discipline is lacking. I can't focus to write. I want to do all the small things, and that's it.

I have such a difficult time sticking to a disciplined routine, no matter what I try to do! Ugh. So very frustrating. I feel like I want to cry.

But, despite all that, I recognize that all I have to do is START! I have an entire chain of things to start a trigger in my brain that it's time to work, but I don't do any of them! And I keep putting them off and putting them off, until I just can't do it anymore, and I wake up with this sense of... well... dread.

I feel like I'm being punished. Or punishing myself in the process. I just can't stand sitting here for too long working. My back hurts. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack at any moment.

Of course, I'm being overly melodramatic, but still! This sucks!

I'm also feeling so incredibly lonely. I need human contact!!

What's funny about this... not funny "ha ha", of course, is that all my barriers are pschological. I haven't once said "I don't know what to about this one piece of data that's really annoying me". Actually, I feel that, very well, but still, that's not really the reason why I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I'm feeling overwhelmed because I have a mountain of data, and I haven't even begun to make sense of it! I don't even know how to start to make sense out of it!

What I need to do is.....

Sit down. Shut up. And get to work. Stop mourning, work! Stop complaining. Work!

Damn. This is really much harder than I expected. And, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking that school starts in eleven days! Eleven days for me to get ready for three different courses! What the hell???

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start working on my syllabi for a couple of hours each morning, so that way I don't get too overwhelmed by what I need to do.

This will get done. This will get done. This will get done, damn it!

ARGH!