Day 20: I'm tired... So very very tired

I can't for the live of me get motivated to get work done this morning... well, today. I woke up around 6:00, had coffee, and then it was time to fight with grading. A very simple process ended up taking me over three hours. That's because I agonized over the grading. Two students failed the class. Well, one of them failed, and the other one got a D. I don't know what happened with her. She kind of tried, but not enough to pass the class, especially when she didn't show up to class. I'll just wait and hear about the fallout later, I guess.

I'm so distracted... and tired. Just very very tired.

This last interview is really wigging me out, and I just don't want to work on it. Part of it is because it's so big. The other part is because it's officially my last interview that I have done, and then i delve into my fieldnotes. I think there's a lot more meat in there, but I'm disappointed that my interviews didn't do what I wanted them to. It's a bit hypocritical to be teaching a course in methods, while my methodology was so poor. Live and learn, I guess. It's a process, and I need to just get through it.

After grading, I just couldn't do it. Could not concentrate for the life of me. I just want to get up and move and do other stuff. Pretty much anything but sit here. I hate it when I get like this. I really need to be very efficient with my head-clearing routine, every single morning. It helps put me in the mood, which is what I need to be. It include coffee, music, timers, etc. etc. All of that is part of my daily routine.

But, another part of it is that I haven't been using my planning binder. That's bad. I need to see the things that I'm doing, and cross them off, and interact tangibly with them, and keep track of the big picture. This is really the only way I can get through this process.

And, of course, I keep feeling like the phony police is after me, watching me. Who am I to be doing any of this? I absolutely have no business in doing anything remotely related to this.

And, lastly, I spent part of the morning trying to contact my university to see what the minimum number of credits I can register for without dropping below part-time. I can't even find out how they define part-time, and if I do drop below that, then the loan repayment kicks in, and I'll have to start paying that back. I just can't deal with any of that right now.

And, of course, the beginning of the semester is looming in the horizong. The syllabi are not finished. Heck, I haven't even started working on them yet, and I know soon enough the students will be after me trying to get a copy. Sucks.

And on, and on, and on....

And, honestly, after a while, all of this starts to feel like excuses that will not get me anywhere. In the end, everything that I'm doing to put off working on this interview is just procrastination. I'm overwhelmed, and the sooner I recognize it, the sooner I'll be able to deal with it.

I don't think I need to be writing in here every morning for a half an hour. I think that's too much. Maybe fifteen minutes will work better for me.

Either way, I gotta get back to it.

First, however, I AM going to clean my bedroom because it looks like a pigsty, and it's annoying me. Then, coffee, then work.

yeah.