Day 19: Fighting with my anxiety

I have decided that drinking any alcohol other than my little bit of port after a day's work, is a very bad idea. I just have the worst of times getting started in the morning. So, no more unless I know I'll be taking the day off. I'm on my second cup of coffee now, and just starting to wake up.

I've been thinking a lot more these days about my anxiety, and how it relates to what I'm doing. If nothing else, as I've mentioned many times before, this process is all about how to navigate the anxiety and the emotional roller coaster that it involves. The self-doubt, the anxiety, the jealousies, the self-sabotage, the self-deprecation, etc. etc. It's a really nasty process, and truly, it's amazing that anyone gets through it.

Right now, I keep focusing on the process itself. But a process implies that the person is trying to get somewhere. So, it goes A ---process---> B. But, I know I left A. No question there. Now I'm in the "process", but not even seeing B, and all my attempts at becoming inspired or trying to give myself a "pep talk" gets stuck in the "process", but not seeing B. I need to focus on B. Focus on B!

But, I think more than anything else, I feel like I got a little too cocky with my knowledge of how to do things, that's the first part. But, I also it's an indication about how poorly trained students are at actually doing their work. I mean, I did take courses in methods, but the fact that students are expected to do all their coursework, then go into the field, and write is a bad idea. I don't know what works best. But I think there should be a one-year requirement after returning from the field for data analysis and write-up. That should all be incorporated into course work rather than having students like me going off on their own, and try to "wing it". That is just not helpful at all!

There's also another part of me right now that's dismayed and doubting about the timing of the whole thing. I want to get out of there. I really do. I want to finish and get done. BUT.. and this is a huge BUT... I don't know if I can get through it. I really don't. The timing is insane! I have to:

1. Get 1st draft by end of January to my DA
2. Get her feedback, and then send off the diss to my entire committee by Feb 26.
3. Defend on March 26.

Seriously!? It's already January 3rd right now. And classes start on the 18th, and I'm nowhere near ready for that. I really don't know what to do.

What all do I have to do, in all seriousness and honest?

Qualitative Data:
- Code 7 interviews - 10-15 hours
- Type up fieldnotes - 5 hours
- Code fieldnotes - 5-10 hours
- Analyze interviews + fieldnotes - 20 hours
- Write 1st draft of data analysis - 20-25 hours

Quantitative Data:
- Gather quantitative data - 5-7 hours
- Organize quantitative data - 5-10 hours
- Analyze quantitative data - 10 hours

- Write 1st draft of quantitative data analysis - 20-25 hours

Write-up:
- Incorporate literature I have into existing chapters - 40-50 hours

Editing:
- Edit: 40-50 hours
- Edit: 30 hours
- Edit: 20 hours
- Edit: 10 hours
- Send to Editor
- Finish changes: 20 hours


- Send off to DA on Jan 26

Total Hours needed: 280-307

And, all this has to be done in ONE MONTH!? Seriously?? Am I freakin' insane!??! What the hell am I thinking??? There is no way on earth that I can do this! Absolutely no way! I'll have to do absolutely nothing but work work work on this for the next three weeks so I can turn this in.

I don't know. I'm seriously doubting the possibility of getting this done.

It was different when I was working on my MA. All I had to do is incorporate everything into one place, and then edit it down. That's why I could do it in ten days. But this??? I can't do this. I don't know. Heaven help me. I seriously don't know if I can do this.

I'm going to see if I can figure out how much time this needs.

Ok. So, the best case scenario is that I need to work 12 hours/day between now and January 26. Worst case scenario is I need to work 13 hours a day between now and Jan 26 to make my deadline.

And that's not counting all the hours I'll need to put in for my syllabi!

This is sounding more and more impossible. I don't know what to do. This is really intimidating and absolutely scary.... terrifying, really.

Now, granted 6-80 hours of that is for editing.

Ok... What's the status without the insane editing?

The range is between 140-177 hours, which is slightly more doable. So that's between 6 and 7 hours per day, and I should be able to do everything that I need to do.

Again, that's NOT counting all the work I have to do for the syllabi and getting ready for the new semester. Fuck. Now I want to seriously cry. If I can get it to her by February something or the other, that might make my life a little easier. But, I don't want to negotiate this deadline. I'm going to see where I get, and then take it from there.

That said, this working 5 hours a day is not working too well. I need to at least double from now on.

The good thing is that after January 26, I'll be done with the absolutely hardest part, and I can concentrate on my teaching.... full-time. Until I get the revisions, and then I delve into revisions.

But seriously... I hadn't thought of that before. After I turn in my draft to the DA, I get to focus on my teaching, and do an absolutely brilliant job at it! That's definitely a bonus! And considering how much I enjoy teaching, and how guilty I feel when I don't do a good job, that's indeed a treat. Ok.. that's a positive thing to keep in mind as I go forward.