Day 18: I feel like I should be farther than what I am today

I'm sitting here, daunted by the task at hand. This is a major undertaking, and I'm feeling very overwhelmed by it. It's an exercise in discipline, there's no doubt about that. The discipline is not only about writing; but it's about the mental stamina it's taking to keep going despite all the doubts, fears, and anxieties I keep feeling. It's going despite feeling like my dissertation is utter crap. I'm a terrible researcher, and a worse interviewer. And, I have no discipline, and you can't really do this without the discipline. I feel absolutely awful about how I've gone through the dissertation. I worked so hard, yet, I feel like I have very little to show for it.

I keep emphasizing here that it's my "feelings", and not the reality. I have no idea what the reality is right now. Maybe, it's because I have no way of comparing what I'm going through with what other people have gone through. In other words, here are my questions:

1. Is it normal to feel like I have no idea what the hell I'm doing? Like the whole process is winging it?
2. Is it normal to have shitty data, yet come out with a brilliant piece of work?
3. Is it normal to feel so utterly lost in all of this?

I think the fact that I haven't read enough complete ethnographies is really hurting me right now. Anthropologists do not general share what they're going through in the field. They keep their journals separate from their data. But, the journals are as part of the knowledge producing process as anything else. It's really weird. I'm realizing that anthropologists are... well, I don't know what they are. I think it's a really weird position to be in. I make my career on the fact that I can observe people and write about them. My role, I guess, is to describe and explain patterns of behavior. Fine. If my role is to describe the logic behind behavior, then how do I know whether what I'm describing is real or not? How do I know that what I'm saying, is in fact, the way it is?

I guess I have a lot of doubts about the discipline itself, and my role in it. I guess I'm a little uncomfortable in that role. And, I'm worried this will show up in my writing and my analysis. If I am making descriptions of cultural logic....

I really never considered this fully before. This is a very strange situation to be in. But, am I, at this point, just ruminating because I don't feel like doing what I need to be doing? Or, is there something else? Is my discomfort about the discipline itself, or about the process of writing itself? How do I make sense of all of this? How do other people deal with this challenge? Is what I have enough? I guess no one can really answer this question for me, except for myself. There is no standard by which to do this research, or by putting the entire work together. There is no measure by which to say "Yes. I have enough, now I will write it all up". Nothing. In scientific experiments, the scientist devises the protocol, generates hypotheses based on established knowledge, executes the experiments, analyzes the data, and then accepts or rejects the hypotheses. And the process repeats itself.

But, in anthropology, it's very different. There are many ways of doing the research itself. There's the "here's a pen and pencil, see you in one year" approach. There's the descriptive research of a group of people, by describing their ways of life, their social structures, etc. There's the explanation of specific types of behavior. There's the applied, etc. etc.

The problem I'm having is what is my research? This happened to me once before in my MA, and until I figured out what the hell my "theory" was, I was just stuck. And now, I'm in the same situation.

What I have is this:
- Extended fieldwork with community A
- Some interviews from community A, but also some interviews with community B

So, is my dissertation about communities A and B? or is it about community A only? or is it about community AB?

That's the key question. I think, for my sanity, it's about community A only, with B as a comparison. So, what I can do is to find studies about the grouping of communities A and B, and demonstrate that they have very different realities. They have different histories, experiences, and realities. And so, my goal is to try to tease that out in writing. Group A is unlike anything else that's out there, and that's why I need to demonstrate. I can also discuss the fact that current programs that are supposed to address the needs of community AB are really ignoring the basic differences between communities A and B, which makes it so that community A is eternally isolated and insulated from other communities in the AB continuum. Also, that any reporting on community A is really in the context of its presence in Community AB, which masks the findings.

I think this is a valid approach. Why not? While I don't see too many similarities, I see some differences between the two, mainly the fact that these people from community A, have lost all their traditions and customs, and religion is one thing that maintains some semblances of cultural continuity. That's a really huge finding. But how does that explain the key variable that I'm studying? I don't think it does.... And if it doesn't, then I need to explain why it doesn't?

So, if I went in the diss with one idea and came out with another, that's ok! I just have to be very clear about why that happened. I guess I would advise my students the same way. There is no wrong way or right way to do a dissertation. But, I have to be very clear about what I'm doing, and why I did what I did. If I didn't do what I wanted to do, then I need to say that. Otherwise, that's where the problem gets in the way.

So, just keep talking it through, that's really important.

Also, now that I have all the interviews transcribed, I need to figure outwhat my central argument is. It could be as simple as Community A is this, and they have that, and they do this. Community B doesn't, without going too much in detail as to community B. Or, alternatively, it could be a cautionary tale of how not to do research in Community A. That's ok too. I just have to be very clear as to what I'm doing and what I did. That's the only thing that's going to save me in my defense. Again, this is not a perfect production, and I don't expect it to be one. But, it needs to show my contribution to the field, even if there's only one nugget to my findings. It is not something that I"m producing only for my committee. It's a stepping stone for me professionally, but it's also good for other people who might want to undertake similar research in this same community.