I cannot keep myself awake

Worked all day, and managed to write only 7 pages out of the total 20 that I needed to wrap up this chapter.

It's 3 am now, and I've been sleeping on and off throughout the day., and I'm REALLY trying to stay awake, but I just can't. I cannot do that to my body. The night before I didn't sleep very well, and ended up like a total zombie the entire day, which had a rollercoaster effect on my work.

So, I need to be fully alert to work. I can't be half-awake, because nothing makes sense to me, and I am just spent.

So... screw it. I can only do what I can do. Staying up until midnight working is reasonable. Waking up at 2 in the morning is not.

Goal for tomorrow:

1. Finish chapter
2. Start on the next chapter, and try to do at least a half of what's left
3. Go to sleep by 11

This sucks.

Ugh!

It's getting increasingly difficult to keep it together without going into a major panic attack.

I'm nowhere near where I need to be right now. I'm starting to freak out! And, I have to teach three classes this week, and trying not to completely fall apart.

This sucks!

I might have to start getting on the all-night schedule. It'll be terrible for my mental health, and for my teaching, but, what can I do? Seriously!

I don't know. I really don't know. I'll just keep going until I can't keep going anymore, and then try to push harder just a little bit more.

I really really hope I can get through this. I'm doubting in my abilities to get through this process in one piece. Heaven help me.

Day 21: Nothing. Nada. Absolutely zilch!

Made the mistake of going to my office today, and that killed every ounce of productivity I had in my body. Answered emails, chatted with people, cleaned email, etc. etc.

Part of this is this (forcing myself to write as I want to go to sleep right now).

1. When I feel like I accomplished something, it's VERY hard for me to transition to another task right after.
2. When I do accomplish something, I tend to "relax", but then it's very difficult for me to get out of that mode.
3. When I don't feel pressure, I relax.
4. When I feel a lot of pressure, I "shut down", and not want to do anything.
   
5. When I stay up past midnight the night before, especially if it's due to non-productive reasons, I have a VERY difficult time getting to work.
6. If I have something that I need to do in the morning (laundry), then I feel like the whole day is ruined.
7. I simply cannot sustain days upon days of productivity, especially if my routine is broken somehow by having to run errands or having to deal with... well... anything.

I need to recognize these four triggers, and plan my days accordingly. Otherwise, not gonna get anywhere!

I also need to find the balance between the various triggers, and plan my days accordingly.

Day 8: I keep waking up in nightmares

First thing that popped into my mind today was "Damn! I don't have enough interviews!" And then I started counting all the interviews I had, and I'm stopping short at 9, which I know is not correct. I'm convinced I have more interviews at school that I don't have on my laptop, and I simply forgot to synch them. So I might go to school in a little while, and try to get those.

Second thing that popped in mind was "Lord help me, I don't wanna sit in that damn chair again for 12 hours again today!"

This process really sucks!

And here's my pep talk for the day:

I really think I should give myself HUGE pat on the back! It's definitely not easy to be here while everyone is out shopping, and trying to enjoy the holiday spirit. It's a stinky process, yet I to do it. That says a lot about who I am, and my determination to get this thing written and over with, so I can move to another project. If my committee decides to fail me at this point, it will say more about them, than about me. I want this thing to be brilliant, but I don't think it will, and we all have to live with that!



image source: www.weallwantsomeone.org/