T-2

I'm back. I feel very deflated, and it's all my own doing. I just had to break down in tears. I just don't feel like I have a handle on anything right now, and I keep entertaining giving up.

My DH called me to give me a "pep talk", and said "the 4 monkeys are looking for a stimulus. Give it to them. After they've had that stimulus, they'll tell you what's wrong with it. You make the changes, and walk out. That's all you have to do" It's a funny image to see my committee as monkeys looking for a stimulus, but there it is.

It doesn't have to be perfect, it has to be DONE!

Ugh.

I'm already thinking about how the study and the analysis should have been, and I have to keep in mind that it's too late for that change now. I simply cannot do it. I just have to tell them what I did, why I did it that way, and what I'll be doing later. Other than that, I don't need to tell them anything.

Just coming on here makes me feel a little better. The only way is forward.... and all of that!

Ok.... plan.

About to make a tomato salad. 6 to start with.

When I get like this, I have to remember what works

I'm totally depressed. Feeling down and bluesy, and discouraged.

I'm in a hotel room until Monday with the sole goal to finish my dissertation between now and when I emerge. But, yesterday when I came in, all I wanted to do was sleep. So I slept a while, I read a while, and then I laid down to take a short nap, and ended up sleeping four hours. It's what my body needed, but damn it, I just need to be awake and feel like it has work to do.

The worst part of this, I have to say... the absolute worst part of it is the loneliness. This is an incredibly lonely project/process, and it totally sucks to have to get through it.

Yeah, it's the liminal part that hurts the most, and is the most uncomfortable.

Last night I had a dream that I went back to undergrad, and because of money, I had to be an RA, and I really didn't want to. I felt very down about that. Then I went out by myself in the middle of the night to this very old tower, and was sitting on a connecting bridge between two buildings, when all of a sudden a cable on one of the many connecting bridges somewhere else broke, and that generated a chain reaction where everything started falling apart. The bridges started swaying violently, and whatever was on them, including a large MAC truck, fell apart. And, all of a sudden things started catching fire, and sparks started falling all around me, including on the bridge that I was sitting on. I crawled carefully off the bridge, burning my leg in the process, and just ran down a ladder to call for help. But, I thought I should try to see if I could put the fire out myself. I tried the large fire hose, but it was stuck, and it was so complicated that I could not get it to budge. And so, the entire structure collapsed.

I walked away.

The next scene was in a funeral home, where some women were all dressed in black, and one of them in particular was holding a bouquet of very dark red and brown tulips.

I felt really bad.

I woke up with the realization that this dream is telling me something. It's time to let my dissertation go. I can't stay where I am anymore. I need to move on. This old structure is crumbly and stale, and I should just let it die and move on. I do feel like my whole life is about to change dramatically. And no matter how much I try to convince myself, I am anxious and scared. I don't know what will happen to me once I'm finished. I'm terrified about having to repay my loans. I think, more than anything else, that is the one thing that's absolutely terrifying me to no end.

That's very sad.

Ok... Time to get back to work. It's 3:56 am, and haven't gotten anything done yet other than this journal.

Ugh!

It's getting increasingly difficult to keep it together without going into a major panic attack.

I'm nowhere near where I need to be right now. I'm starting to freak out! And, I have to teach three classes this week, and trying not to completely fall apart.

This sucks!

I might have to start getting on the all-night schedule. It'll be terrible for my mental health, and for my teaching, but, what can I do? Seriously!

I don't know. I really don't know. I'll just keep going until I can't keep going anymore, and then try to push harder just a little bit more.

I really really hope I can get through this. I'm doubting in my abilities to get through this process in one piece. Heaven help me.

Day X: Losing track of the days

I honestly and truly have no idea how I'm going to pull this off in such a short time. I'm seriously having a difficult time keeping everything together on paper, in my head, and anywhere else for that matter. I'm having the classic "I want to hide under the bed until all of this is over", which is not really possible at this point.

In one week, I have to "rise up to the occasion", and start teaching. THREE COURSES. Three freakin' courses! Why did I think that was a good idea is beyond me!

I seriously have no idea how I'm going to do this. I can prioritize all I want, but the fact of the matter is that I still have to produce a finished and polished piece of work in a week and a half, and I have a little over half of it finished. I am still doing the data analysis, which is taking much longer than it's supposed so. I also still have not even started doing the quantitative analysis yet, and one of my committee members JUST got back to me last night about my outline saying that she lost is due to a technical glitch and her health problems. At this point, that's really not very helpful.

I AM panicking! Severely panicking. I really don't know if I can do this in such a short time. That's realistically speaking, of course.

I speak with my DA this afternoon, and here's what I'll need to find out from her:

1. What's the absolute latest I can give her the dissertation so that she can review it in time, and send it back to me for modifications?

2. What happens if I don't pass?

3. What are all the possible scenarios between now and the defense?

So, my questions I guess are:

1. Does she expect that she will have the final product between the time I give it to her, and the time I have to submit to my committee?

2. Can I still keep working on the dissertation until February 26?

3. What are all the scenarios for the defense?

I'm having severe anxieties right now, and I need to calm down, and just keep on plugging away.

In the meantime, I have to revise my work-plan. I need to re-evaluate it, and consider "working smart" versus "working to perfection". There are some core themes in my FN. What are those? Code for those, and move on. I'm not doing grounded theory. Period. Just identify the most salient themes, and talk about those, and stop worrying about it being "methodologically perfect". Just do what needs to be done, be explicit about how I did my analysis, and then just go from there. Start thinking this DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT RIGHT NOW! IT JUST HAS TO BE DONE!

This, I believe

Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anyone else expects of you.
Never excuse yourself.

Henry Ward Beecher

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore,
is not an act but a habit.
Aristotle

You cannot plough a field by
turning it over in your mind.
Author Unknown

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome.
Samuel Johnson

Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Willing is not enough; we must do.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe  

Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Self-trust is the first secret of success.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Genius begins great works; labor alone finishes them.
Joseph Joubert

Half of the failures in life come from pulling one's horse when he is leaping.
Thomas Hood

It is the want of diligence, rather than the want of means, that causes most failures.
Alfred Mercier

You will never "find" time for anything. If you want time, you must make it.
Charles Bruxton

I recommend you take care of the minutes and the hours will take care of themselves.
Earl of Chesterfield

They can because they think they can.
Virgil

Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself.
Theodore T. Hunger

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.
Robert Collier

He who would do some great thing in this short life, must apply himself to the work with such a concentration of his forces as to the idle spectators, who live only to amuse themselves, looks like insanity.
John Foster

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.
Confucius 

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure--which is:
Try to please everybody.
Herbert Bayard Swope

If you wish success in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience your wise counselor, caution your elder brother, and hope your guardian genius.
Jospeph Addison

(Quotes from http://www.inspirational-quotes.info/) 

  

  

 

Day 26: Inconsistency

I went to the office yesterday (any sentence that starts that way is bound to signal a day of not getting any writing done). I didn't get any writing done. BUT, what I did get done is scanning all my field notes, and starting my thesis binder (found on the left here). The binder actually has a bunch of white papers that serve as placeholders.

When I first held the stack of papers, I nearly cried. They were still at about 128, but I realized that whatever I had achieved up to that point, was a monumental task! It takes a lot of energy, discipline, and focus, even to produce that much! And, that's about what my thesis was.

So, the next step now is to turn a thesis into a dissertation, and almost double the amount of writing I have to do. That's not true, actually. I just need to write about seventy pages between now and January 26, about two weeks from now. That's 35 pages per week, which is totally doable. Right. Meh. I need another month to get this puppy in a presentable format! Worse comes to worst, if I'm not fully done with a polished version by the time I defend, I'll have a couple of weeks, or even a month to get everything in. But, I don't want to take that option. My goal is to defend on March 26. Period. And then I'll deal with the rest later.

Today's goal is to finish cataloging my fieldnotes, and then code as many as I can. By tonight, I really would like to start the analysis. It's going to be a Rapid Coding day, but so what. The point is to get it all done, and then get to the analysis. My committee will not care the least in the quality of my coding. All they care about is my write-up, and I'm nowhere near that point yet.

But first... breakfast!

Day 24: No sense of perfectionism!

I'm very overwhelmed with the amount of data that I have. I honestly did not think that I had this much, but after I've compiled my notebooks and everything, I'm realizing that I have a massive amount of data. Well, I think it's big enough to get a dissertation out of, anyhow.

Now, how to organize it all.

I have a number of options:

1. Type everything up, and then code everything
2. Scan everything, and only code what's important
3. Catalog everything, and only code and enter what's important into a spreadsheet, or even directly into Atlas.ti.
4. Catalog everything (notebooks, etc.), and then only type the quotation that I need, and then code that.

I think essentially 2 and 4 are basically the same. But, with 4 I don't have to scan things first. I can just enter in what I have.

But, I think before moving forward, I should just code the 135 pages of notes that I already have typed up, and see how that goes. I don't think I want to code every single thing like I did with the interviews, but I think I should at least try to figure out what I have, and what I still need from my notes, and go from there.

Remember also to keep a notebook to the side with observations or things I remember as I go through the process of reading and coding.

Today is Friday. I am determined to get all my FN coded and/or cataloged by Sunday night. That's it. Period.

Do them in chunks at a time, and just keep going through them as I go. I don't need to spend too much time on grunge work. I just have to get done.

Day 22: I dread everything these days

After a fantastic day of fieldwork yesterday, today I wake up with a sense of absolute dread and sheer terror. How the hell am I supposed to get through this in one piece? I have three weeks to turn something resembling a finished product to DA, and I'm nowhere near that point. And, my discipline is lacking. I can't focus to write. I want to do all the small things, and that's it.

I have such a difficult time sticking to a disciplined routine, no matter what I try to do! Ugh. So very frustrating. I feel like I want to cry.

But, despite all that, I recognize that all I have to do is START! I have an entire chain of things to start a trigger in my brain that it's time to work, but I don't do any of them! And I keep putting them off and putting them off, until I just can't do it anymore, and I wake up with this sense of... well... dread.

I feel like I'm being punished. Or punishing myself in the process. I just can't stand sitting here for too long working. My back hurts. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack at any moment.

Of course, I'm being overly melodramatic, but still! This sucks!

I'm also feeling so incredibly lonely. I need human contact!!

What's funny about this... not funny "ha ha", of course, is that all my barriers are pschological. I haven't once said "I don't know what to about this one piece of data that's really annoying me". Actually, I feel that, very well, but still, that's not really the reason why I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I'm feeling overwhelmed because I have a mountain of data, and I haven't even begun to make sense of it! I don't even know how to start to make sense out of it!

What I need to do is.....

Sit down. Shut up. And get to work. Stop mourning, work! Stop complaining. Work!

Damn. This is really much harder than I expected. And, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking that school starts in eleven days! Eleven days for me to get ready for three different courses! What the hell???

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start working on my syllabi for a couple of hours each morning, so that way I don't get too overwhelmed by what I need to do.

This will get done. This will get done. This will get done, damn it!

ARGH!

Day 22: DON'T PANIC!!!

Day 22: Bloody hell!

I just could not stand sitting in my house anymore, and decided to come to the office. I have to train my brain to think that coming to the office does NOT mean faffing or doing everything else under the sun instead of working! It's a huge space with lots of room, yet I prefer to be in this little crammed up place at home working at a very uncomfortable desk and chair, etc.

And, I really have to train my brain to think that by coming here, I CAN work on things that are not directly related to teaching. I can work on my dissertation, and that's quite ok.

One bad thing is that I forgot the install file for Atlas.ti at home. Grr! But, the next item on my list is that I have to round up all my fieldnotes in one place, and start typing those up. That's going to take a long while for me to get through. Luckily, I think I accounted for that earlier on.

So, I have about a half an hour to do this before I go to lunch. Then, the entire afternoon is gone in meetings. Bleuch. Important meetings, but still meetings that take away from my diss work. Luckily, I don't have anything planned for the rest of the week, so I can just concentrate on working.

Day 21: Nothing. Nada. Absolutely zilch!

Made the mistake of going to my office today, and that killed every ounce of productivity I had in my body. Answered emails, chatted with people, cleaned email, etc. etc.

Part of this is this (forcing myself to write as I want to go to sleep right now).

1. When I feel like I accomplished something, it's VERY hard for me to transition to another task right after.
2. When I do accomplish something, I tend to "relax", but then it's very difficult for me to get out of that mode.
3. When I don't feel pressure, I relax.
4. When I feel a lot of pressure, I "shut down", and not want to do anything.
   
5. When I stay up past midnight the night before, especially if it's due to non-productive reasons, I have a VERY difficult time getting to work.
6. If I have something that I need to do in the morning (laundry), then I feel like the whole day is ruined.
7. I simply cannot sustain days upon days of productivity, especially if my routine is broken somehow by having to run errands or having to deal with... well... anything.

I need to recognize these four triggers, and plan my days accordingly. Otherwise, not gonna get anywhere!

I also need to find the balance between the various triggers, and plan my days accordingly.

Day 20: Stuff to do today

Things to do today:


Teaching:

1. Calculate final grades
2. Submit final grades

Personal:

1. Call the graduate school
2. Call financial aid if needed to find out about loans

Dissertation:

1. Clean room
2. Make coffee
   
3. Finish coding interview
4. Start typing up fieldnotes

Tomatoes to do:

Day 20: I'm tired... So very very tired

I can't for the live of me get motivated to get work done this morning... well, today. I woke up around 6:00, had coffee, and then it was time to fight with grading. A very simple process ended up taking me over three hours. That's because I agonized over the grading. Two students failed the class. Well, one of them failed, and the other one got a D. I don't know what happened with her. She kind of tried, but not enough to pass the class, especially when she didn't show up to class. I'll just wait and hear about the fallout later, I guess.

I'm so distracted... and tired. Just very very tired.

This last interview is really wigging me out, and I just don't want to work on it. Part of it is because it's so big. The other part is because it's officially my last interview that I have done, and then i delve into my fieldnotes. I think there's a lot more meat in there, but I'm disappointed that my interviews didn't do what I wanted them to. It's a bit hypocritical to be teaching a course in methods, while my methodology was so poor. Live and learn, I guess. It's a process, and I need to just get through it.

After grading, I just couldn't do it. Could not concentrate for the life of me. I just want to get up and move and do other stuff. Pretty much anything but sit here. I hate it when I get like this. I really need to be very efficient with my head-clearing routine, every single morning. It helps put me in the mood, which is what I need to be. It include coffee, music, timers, etc. etc. All of that is part of my daily routine.

But, another part of it is that I haven't been using my planning binder. That's bad. I need to see the things that I'm doing, and cross them off, and interact tangibly with them, and keep track of the big picture. This is really the only way I can get through this process.

And, of course, I keep feeling like the phony police is after me, watching me. Who am I to be doing any of this? I absolutely have no business in doing anything remotely related to this.

And, lastly, I spent part of the morning trying to contact my university to see what the minimum number of credits I can register for without dropping below part-time. I can't even find out how they define part-time, and if I do drop below that, then the loan repayment kicks in, and I'll have to start paying that back. I just can't deal with any of that right now.

And, of course, the beginning of the semester is looming in the horizong. The syllabi are not finished. Heck, I haven't even started working on them yet, and I know soon enough the students will be after me trying to get a copy. Sucks.

And on, and on, and on....

And, honestly, after a while, all of this starts to feel like excuses that will not get me anywhere. In the end, everything that I'm doing to put off working on this interview is just procrastination. I'm overwhelmed, and the sooner I recognize it, the sooner I'll be able to deal with it.

I don't think I need to be writing in here every morning for a half an hour. I think that's too much. Maybe fifteen minutes will work better for me.

Either way, I gotta get back to it.

First, however, I AM going to clean my bedroom because it looks like a pigsty, and it's annoying me. Then, coffee, then work.

yeah.

Day 19: Things to do today

On the menu today:

Coding:
- Code int 3
- Code int 4
- Code int 5
- Code int 6
- Code int 7
- Code int 8


Tomatoes:


Updates:

2:16 pm - Things are a mess!!

I lost a third of one interview, and I can't find the backup tape! ARGH! Luckily, I know the person so I can just ask her next time I see her.

And, one of my transcriptions is off. I put it in the wrong place. Grrr... I don't need this right now!

I have to now go figure out what the hell is going on with these data. Very annoying!



4:03 pm - Wow. This is bad.
I only finished one tomato since I wrote the last entry. I'm distracted and very tired, which makes everything worse. I decided to block out the Daily board, since I'm spending so much time on it. Leechblock is my savior once again. Now, whenever I spend more than ten minutes every two hours on the site, I get blocked out, with a picture of The Master showing up in its place ordering me to get back to work. And, I've launched Temptation Blocker that I've been using to cheat on Leechblock to check Twitter and Facebook. Bad bad bad!

Alright. Back to work. Gotta finish coding these interviews tonight. I'm determined!

5:00 - Done with six tomatoes


I actually have only three interviews left to code, but they're the longest ones. Oh dear heaven me. They're also the "meatiest" ones. So that should be ok.

One of the annoying things about this is that there's no closed-set of codes to use. I have to use whatever the data are telling me, so I end up generating hundreds of codes. Eventually, I'll go in and clean them up, but in the meantime, it's all open-ended, ad-hoc and all that.

I've also started wearing my grandma glasses. I need to get some sort of eye relief. The strain is starting to get very bad.

Ok. Bathroom break, and then back to it. Maybe I can get this interview finished before I make dinner.

Tonight's plan:

11:32 - What is wrong with me tonight?




I ended up faffing most of the day away. This is depressing. I'm absolutely exhausted right now, and I don't feel like I have that much to show for it.

BUT... I have nine interviews coded already, so that's good for something!

But, definitely not as much as I wanted to.

I only worked 4:30 today! Arght!

But, I had planned  10-15 hours for coding interviews, and I only needed about six hours. So that's not bad!

Give myself some credit here. Jeez.

Ooh lookie! Instant Boss is keeping total track of my work so far. It says Total Work to Date: 9 hours and 12 minutes. 9 hours? When's that? Yesterday and today? Not sure when that timeframe is. Either way. I'm going to bed.

Tomorrow's plan:

- Calculate final grades
- Enter final grades
- Finish coding final interview
- Do second round of interview coding
- Type up what I have of the fieldnotes
- Starting organizing codes

Day 19: Fighting with my anxiety

I have decided that drinking any alcohol other than my little bit of port after a day's work, is a very bad idea. I just have the worst of times getting started in the morning. So, no more unless I know I'll be taking the day off. I'm on my second cup of coffee now, and just starting to wake up.

I've been thinking a lot more these days about my anxiety, and how it relates to what I'm doing. If nothing else, as I've mentioned many times before, this process is all about how to navigate the anxiety and the emotional roller coaster that it involves. The self-doubt, the anxiety, the jealousies, the self-sabotage, the self-deprecation, etc. etc. It's a really nasty process, and truly, it's amazing that anyone gets through it.

Right now, I keep focusing on the process itself. But a process implies that the person is trying to get somewhere. So, it goes A ---process---> B. But, I know I left A. No question there. Now I'm in the "process", but not even seeing B, and all my attempts at becoming inspired or trying to give myself a "pep talk" gets stuck in the "process", but not seeing B. I need to focus on B. Focus on B!

But, I think more than anything else, I feel like I got a little too cocky with my knowledge of how to do things, that's the first part. But, I also it's an indication about how poorly trained students are at actually doing their work. I mean, I did take courses in methods, but the fact that students are expected to do all their coursework, then go into the field, and write is a bad idea. I don't know what works best. But I think there should be a one-year requirement after returning from the field for data analysis and write-up. That should all be incorporated into course work rather than having students like me going off on their own, and try to "wing it". That is just not helpful at all!

There's also another part of me right now that's dismayed and doubting about the timing of the whole thing. I want to get out of there. I really do. I want to finish and get done. BUT.. and this is a huge BUT... I don't know if I can get through it. I really don't. The timing is insane! I have to:

1. Get 1st draft by end of January to my DA
2. Get her feedback, and then send off the diss to my entire committee by Feb 26.
3. Defend on March 26.

Seriously!? It's already January 3rd right now. And classes start on the 18th, and I'm nowhere near ready for that. I really don't know what to do.

What all do I have to do, in all seriousness and honest?

Qualitative Data:
- Code 7 interviews - 10-15 hours
- Type up fieldnotes - 5 hours
- Code fieldnotes - 5-10 hours
- Analyze interviews + fieldnotes - 20 hours
- Write 1st draft of data analysis - 20-25 hours

Quantitative Data:
- Gather quantitative data - 5-7 hours
- Organize quantitative data - 5-10 hours
- Analyze quantitative data - 10 hours

- Write 1st draft of quantitative data analysis - 20-25 hours

Write-up:
- Incorporate literature I have into existing chapters - 40-50 hours

Editing:
- Edit: 40-50 hours
- Edit: 30 hours
- Edit: 20 hours
- Edit: 10 hours
- Send to Editor
- Finish changes: 20 hours


- Send off to DA on Jan 26

Total Hours needed: 280-307

And, all this has to be done in ONE MONTH!? Seriously?? Am I freakin' insane!??! What the hell am I thinking??? There is no way on earth that I can do this! Absolutely no way! I'll have to do absolutely nothing but work work work on this for the next three weeks so I can turn this in.

I don't know. I'm seriously doubting the possibility of getting this done.

It was different when I was working on my MA. All I had to do is incorporate everything into one place, and then edit it down. That's why I could do it in ten days. But this??? I can't do this. I don't know. Heaven help me. I seriously don't know if I can do this.

I'm going to see if I can figure out how much time this needs.

Ok. So, the best case scenario is that I need to work 12 hours/day between now and January 26. Worst case scenario is I need to work 13 hours a day between now and Jan 26 to make my deadline.

And that's not counting all the hours I'll need to put in for my syllabi!

This is sounding more and more impossible. I don't know what to do. This is really intimidating and absolutely scary.... terrifying, really.

Now, granted 6-80 hours of that is for editing.

Ok... What's the status without the insane editing?

The range is between 140-177 hours, which is slightly more doable. So that's between 6 and 7 hours per day, and I should be able to do everything that I need to do.

Again, that's NOT counting all the work I have to do for the syllabi and getting ready for the new semester. Fuck. Now I want to seriously cry. If I can get it to her by February something or the other, that might make my life a little easier. But, I don't want to negotiate this deadline. I'm going to see where I get, and then take it from there.

That said, this working 5 hours a day is not working too well. I need to at least double from now on.

The good thing is that after January 26, I'll be done with the absolutely hardest part, and I can concentrate on my teaching.... full-time. Until I get the revisions, and then I delve into revisions.

But seriously... I hadn't thought of that before. After I turn in my draft to the DA, I get to focus on my teaching, and do an absolutely brilliant job at it! That's definitely a bonus! And considering how much I enjoy teaching, and how guilty I feel when I don't do a good job, that's indeed a treat. Ok.. that's a positive thing to keep in mind as I go forward.

Day 18: On the menu

Today's goals:
- Work for 6 tomatoes
- Journal for 1x25
- Import everything into Atlas.ti
- Code half of the interviews
- Turn some of the qualitative data into quantitative.

Here goes!



I think after every tomato, I'm going to write about what's going on. That way, I'll keep tabs on what the hell I'm doing. Yet another layer to make sure I'm not faffing away.

12:48: Exercise in riding a roller coasters

So far today:

1:39: Fookin' hell!




Break for now, and then will do six more tomatoes.

Left to do:





3:43: I'll let the caffeine carry me through the next 4 tomatoes!

Just made myself some strong coffee, am having some chocolate, and I'm about to delve into the next four tomatoes, and then, it's Doctor Who! Woohoo!

4:15: Moving right along.


Doctor Who tonight! Woohoo!!

Day 18: I feel like I should be farther than what I am today

I'm sitting here, daunted by the task at hand. This is a major undertaking, and I'm feeling very overwhelmed by it. It's an exercise in discipline, there's no doubt about that. The discipline is not only about writing; but it's about the mental stamina it's taking to keep going despite all the doubts, fears, and anxieties I keep feeling. It's going despite feeling like my dissertation is utter crap. I'm a terrible researcher, and a worse interviewer. And, I have no discipline, and you can't really do this without the discipline. I feel absolutely awful about how I've gone through the dissertation. I worked so hard, yet, I feel like I have very little to show for it.

I keep emphasizing here that it's my "feelings", and not the reality. I have no idea what the reality is right now. Maybe, it's because I have no way of comparing what I'm going through with what other people have gone through. In other words, here are my questions:

1. Is it normal to feel like I have no idea what the hell I'm doing? Like the whole process is winging it?
2. Is it normal to have shitty data, yet come out with a brilliant piece of work?
3. Is it normal to feel so utterly lost in all of this?

I think the fact that I haven't read enough complete ethnographies is really hurting me right now. Anthropologists do not general share what they're going through in the field. They keep their journals separate from their data. But, the journals are as part of the knowledge producing process as anything else. It's really weird. I'm realizing that anthropologists are... well, I don't know what they are. I think it's a really weird position to be in. I make my career on the fact that I can observe people and write about them. My role, I guess, is to describe and explain patterns of behavior. Fine. If my role is to describe the logic behind behavior, then how do I know whether what I'm describing is real or not? How do I know that what I'm saying, is in fact, the way it is?

I guess I have a lot of doubts about the discipline itself, and my role in it. I guess I'm a little uncomfortable in that role. And, I'm worried this will show up in my writing and my analysis. If I am making descriptions of cultural logic....

I really never considered this fully before. This is a very strange situation to be in. But, am I, at this point, just ruminating because I don't feel like doing what I need to be doing? Or, is there something else? Is my discomfort about the discipline itself, or about the process of writing itself? How do I make sense of all of this? How do other people deal with this challenge? Is what I have enough? I guess no one can really answer this question for me, except for myself. There is no standard by which to do this research, or by putting the entire work together. There is no measure by which to say "Yes. I have enough, now I will write it all up". Nothing. In scientific experiments, the scientist devises the protocol, generates hypotheses based on established knowledge, executes the experiments, analyzes the data, and then accepts or rejects the hypotheses. And the process repeats itself.

But, in anthropology, it's very different. There are many ways of doing the research itself. There's the "here's a pen and pencil, see you in one year" approach. There's the descriptive research of a group of people, by describing their ways of life, their social structures, etc. There's the explanation of specific types of behavior. There's the applied, etc. etc.

The problem I'm having is what is my research? This happened to me once before in my MA, and until I figured out what the hell my "theory" was, I was just stuck. And now, I'm in the same situation.

What I have is this:
- Extended fieldwork with community A
- Some interviews from community A, but also some interviews with community B

So, is my dissertation about communities A and B? or is it about community A only? or is it about community AB?

That's the key question. I think, for my sanity, it's about community A only, with B as a comparison. So, what I can do is to find studies about the grouping of communities A and B, and demonstrate that they have very different realities. They have different histories, experiences, and realities. And so, my goal is to try to tease that out in writing. Group A is unlike anything else that's out there, and that's why I need to demonstrate. I can also discuss the fact that current programs that are supposed to address the needs of community AB are really ignoring the basic differences between communities A and B, which makes it so that community A is eternally isolated and insulated from other communities in the AB continuum. Also, that any reporting on community A is really in the context of its presence in Community AB, which masks the findings.

I think this is a valid approach. Why not? While I don't see too many similarities, I see some differences between the two, mainly the fact that these people from community A, have lost all their traditions and customs, and religion is one thing that maintains some semblances of cultural continuity. That's a really huge finding. But how does that explain the key variable that I'm studying? I don't think it does.... And if it doesn't, then I need to explain why it doesn't?

So, if I went in the diss with one idea and came out with another, that's ok! I just have to be very clear about why that happened. I guess I would advise my students the same way. There is no wrong way or right way to do a dissertation. But, I have to be very clear about what I'm doing, and why I did what I did. If I didn't do what I wanted to do, then I need to say that. Otherwise, that's where the problem gets in the way.

So, just keep talking it through, that's really important.

Also, now that I have all the interviews transcribed, I need to figure outwhat my central argument is. It could be as simple as Community A is this, and they have that, and they do this. Community B doesn't, without going too much in detail as to community B. Or, alternatively, it could be a cautionary tale of how not to do research in Community A. That's ok too. I just have to be very clear as to what I'm doing and what I did. That's the only thing that's going to save me in my defense. Again, this is not a perfect production, and I don't expect it to be one. But, it needs to show my contribution to the field, even if there's only one nugget to my findings. It is not something that I"m producing only for my committee. It's a stepping stone for me professionally, but it's also good for other people who might want to undertake similar research in this same community.

Day 17: Day off

Recovering from 3 absinthes, 2 dirty martinis, and a glass of champagne. I made myself take the day off, and make some Hoppin' John for dinner.

Morning spent hungover and groggy, but I watched a marathon of Looney Tunes on Cartoon Network. That made me very happy.

Took a nap from 1:30-3:30

Watched preview of the new Doctor Who on the BBC, after I figured out how to get a UK proxy.

Made Hoppin' John, where I needed to cook the black eyed peas separately, after discovering that I didn't have any in a can. It was good anyhow.

Now typing on here.

Soon will go watch TV, and tomorrow back to it!