Day 15: Things I have to realize...

The fears will never change or go away. What will change, however, is what I do with these fears. It is my choice whether I want to let the fears direct my every move, or not. For now, until I get better at it, I am listening to what they are, acknowledging them, and then putting them gently to the side. I really don't have time to dwell on them for too long. What's ahead of me is far more brighter than what these fears are leading me to believe. There are opportunities... exciting, exhilarating opportunities! And... all I gotta do, is reach for them.

In the meantime, do my part, so the rest of the people in my environment can do theirs. I can't even begin to guess what their responses will be.. I haven't even turned anything in yet! I haven't heard a peep out of them yet! So... I'll just do my part, so they can do theirs.

Yesterday, after I had my little rant on here, trying to figure out what's going on, I did realize that this personal accountability is a fundamental stumbling block for me. That too is coupled with the desire to "please" people.

Classic example....

I was looking over the IRB that I did at the hospital, because I wanted to incorporate parts of it into my dissertation. After I read it, I was taken aback, because it just did not sound like anything I would say. It was brilliant, articulate, analytical, and just... well... perfect! I thought that the person with whom I collaborated had changed it, so I actually went out of my way to see where she made the changes. She didn't. It was all me. I actually wrote those brilliant paragraphs. And boy were they good!

Looking back on why the quality is so good, I realized that at the time I was writing the proposal, I did not want to seem like a "wishy-washy" social scientist. I wanted to write authoritatively, confidently, and like I know exactly what the hell I'm talking about. And, I did! It's a challenge, I think. I approached it from a "screw you! I can do this!", and it worked. But, I think it was also more than the "screw you" part. I wanted to present myself as a medical anthropologist; as someone who can speak to medicine. My writing, in essence, validated me and my discipline, and made me seem worthy to get in there, and do my work.

So, maybe I'm approaching my dissertation in a completely wrong way. I'm going into it with the "this is going to be a shitty product, but I don't care", attitude. I don't think that really works for me. I need to go in there with the "I know what the hell I'm talking about, and you're going to listen to me, and be convinced that I know what the hell I'm talking about". This is not a joke. I did good work.. in fact, some of the first of its kind. And, I have a lot of excellent ideas and insights. And, I do make contributions to the field, even if they are very minor at this point. But, give me two years, and see what I do with it.

Screw this. I'm not a student anymore. Well... on paper I'm a student, but if the IRB is any indication, then I am a professional, and I will approach this dissertation professionally.

And, if nothing else, I will be able to use parts of it as a grant proposal! Which is what I intend to do with it anyhow.

Yeah! I kick butt and I take names, baby!



Now... For today's schedule...

I'm debating whether I want to go out and gather some data for the quantitative part, or I want to try to put the structure of the entire dissertation together based on what I've already written in other places, and based on the outline that I have. Then, when I start analyzing the data, I'll know exactly where to plug them. That way, I can probably knock off at least two, potentially, three chapter drafts. Even if they're short. That's ok. As long as I have the structure from which to work.

Yeah... Maybe I'll do that.



So, tomatoes for today: 6x25

1x25 - This journal entry

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