Saturday

8:46 am

I woke up with determination to get this thing wrapped up. I don't know if it will happen. I'll find out more after this chapter.

I *still* don't have an outline.

I think the problem is that there are two chapters that I feel should be combined, but I don't know if I should or not. Mixed methods writing is really painful.

But, on the plus side, the deadline for a Methods training camp is on March 1st! If I finish this chapter on time, I'm going to use the application as my reward, and go head and do it! *GLEE*!!!

Outline FIRST!

NOT making the deadline

Sigh. I'm nowhere near where I need to be right now, and I'm getting tired of saying "i'm working on it", "i'll get there when I get there", "I thought I was going to make that deadline, but obviously, I'm not". "Yeah, that's what I thought too, but that's not happening".

So... I thought I would make the Monday deadline set by my DA, and that's just not happening. My committee is NOT getting a month of reading time, unless they want to change the defense date, which I really don't want to do. I might need to adjust the deadline AGAIN after I turn this thing in.

So.... I'm going into hiding (from my DA) while I work on the analysis chapter of my dissertation. I have to feel good about it, so I can feel good about writing everything around it.

And to top it all off, I have to be in a lecture by "famous anthropologist" in 2 hours. Not sure if that's enough time to get much done, but I'm going to try.

I'm too rattled!

After I sent my chapter to my DA yesterday I told her that I was still working on it, but I wanted to get her the revised STRUCTURE so she can see I've been making progress.

In the meantime, I kept working on it, until it now actually resembles EXACTLY how I want it to look and sound and read.

She just sent me the revised version from YESTERDAY after spending 5 hours (not sure if that's an overstatement) making editorial changes to it! She said it was "Bazillion times better!"

So now I feel like I wasted both of our times with this crappy chapter, and I'm totally rattled!

And of course, she was pissed because I had not corrected everything that she told me to correct from the first version she sent me. Well, of course I hadn't! And I told her so yesterday!

She said I should stop working, and move on to another chapter.

But now I'm really pissed! and I'm sure she's more pissed than I.

And she's still expressing a lot of concern over my ability to finish everything on time. She said she has stuff to do, and can't be devoting all this time to my dissertation. Right. So what the hell am I supposed to do then?

I have to teach 5 classes between now and Wednesday. I had planned my time in my head to do things in a very specific way, and now this is all plunketed upside its head.

I'm not happy, and I'm actually rather pissed off.

But, I think most importantly, I feel rattled. I was doing things one way, and then now I have to change completely because she doesn't have faith that I will finish things on time. But I WILL! ARGH!

This REALLY stinks!

After I sent my draft to my DA, I went into "in hiding" for the last two weeks, unwilling to look at my dissertation.

The first three chapters were "ok", and some need some modification, with some VERY heavy edits.

Chapter 4, she absolutely hates, and is getting very cranky about it! I feel bad for sending it to her, because I knew it was so bad. And now I feel she really hates me. She spent so much time on it, and I was planning on chopping it anyways... but... GRR!!!

I was merely trying to fill pages, and that ended up biting me in the butt. I really really feel bad, and I simply cannot apologize enough.

I asked her to stop on that chapter, and move to the next ones because they're better, and "fresher". Ugh.

Now I'm feeling very bad, and on top of it all, very stressed with my teaching load. 3 classes + dissertation = hell. No two ways around it.

I have to teach in 45 minutes, so for the next twenty minutes, I'm going to strategize for my day tomorrow where I'm not permitting any faffing until my meeting at 2.

Heaven help me. I don't think I can get through this.

I really wish I were as organized/determined/dedicated as some of you might be.

This process STINKS!

---

It's YUCKY!!!

I cannot keep myself awake

Worked all day, and managed to write only 7 pages out of the total 20 that I needed to wrap up this chapter.

It's 3 am now, and I've been sleeping on and off throughout the day., and I'm REALLY trying to stay awake, but I just can't. I cannot do that to my body. The night before I didn't sleep very well, and ended up like a total zombie the entire day, which had a rollercoaster effect on my work.

So, I need to be fully alert to work. I can't be half-awake, because nothing makes sense to me, and I am just spent.

So... screw it. I can only do what I can do. Staying up until midnight working is reasonable. Waking up at 2 in the morning is not.

Goal for tomorrow:

1. Finish chapter
2. Start on the next chapter, and try to do at least a half of what's left
3. Go to sleep by 11

This sucks.

Saturday.... T-3

I'm sooooooooooo tired. I'm totally exhausted. And I need sleep. And lots of it. Lots and lots of sleep! Precious sleep.

I don' t know... Debating going back home, and sleeping for a couple of hours, and then getting back to it in a few.

So so very tired.

Ugh.

This is seriously killing me.